Angst

I’m hiding,

trying to escape this wretched wind

much like how i used to run away from my feelings.

It’s not calm here,

as i had hoped it would be

but, rather, quite the opposite;

Screaming, biting, pulling.

The frail palm fronds cannot shield me

I am unprotected

a baby bird that has left its nest

But could a baby bird feel this much pain?

It seems that as of late, angst-ridden words

are the only words i can write.

where i'm from

I am from the music that flows so deeply through my veins
from singing with John Lennon as a little girl
to idolizing and being inspired by Marilyn Manson, my hero
I am from playing dress-up in my moms clothes and makeup,
smeared-on bright red lipstick,
tripping in 3 inch heels and shirts that were more like dresses
to dying my hair, modifying my body
and tripping of another kind
I am from drawing pictures of rainbows and unicorns
for my daddy to hang up at work
to arguing nonstop, hospital visits and depression
I am from crawling into bed with my mom
because the shadows on the wall were out to get me
to locking my door
and trying to escape the light
I am from being trusted by everyone
the perfect daughter with perfect grades
to being the only soldier fighting to win back that
once-so-easily-achieved trust
against an army of many