Angst

I’m hiding,

trying to escape this wretched wind

much like how i used to run away from my feelings.

It’s not calm here,

as i had hoped it would be

but, rather, quite the opposite;

Screaming, biting, pulling.

The frail palm fronds cannot shield me

I am unprotected

a baby bird that has left its nest

But could a baby bird feel this much pain?

It seems that as of late, angst-ridden words

are the only words i can write.

where i'm from

I am from the music that flows so deeply through my veins
from singing with John Lennon as a little girl
to idolizing and being inspired by Marilyn Manson, my hero
I am from playing dress-up in my moms clothes and makeup,
smeared-on bright red lipstick,
tripping in 3 inch heels and shirts that were more like dresses
to dying my hair, modifying my body
and tripping of another kind
I am from drawing pictures of rainbows and unicorns
for my daddy to hang up at work
to arguing nonstop, hospital visits and depression
I am from crawling into bed with my mom
because the shadows on the wall were out to get me
to locking my door
and trying to escape the light
I am from being trusted by everyone
the perfect daughter with perfect grades
to being the only soldier fighting to win back that
once-so-easily-achieved trust
against an army of many

Cienega creek

Vermillion flycatchers flitting back and forth from their branches
The teacher of my junior naturalists group saying
“Collect micro organisms from the water”
A family of javelinas crossing the stream but a few feet in front of us
Screaming when we jumped in the creek,
Daring each other to swim to the deepest, darkest waters
Later, claiming to have fallen
Spotting the nest of a Cooper's hawk
Misplacing our shoes and socks along the bank.