incomplete

In the evening when my moms been drinking
Telling stories without thinking
She acts so immature
I have to leave and shut the door
Alone in my dark room
This place is becoming more like a womb
The blinds are pulled tight
I cant tell whether its day or night
The screen illuminates my facial features
I feel like some hideous creature

an old life

Sometimes I think I hurt more now than my body did during and after all those late night episodes in the backseat of your car. When you stopped asking it was almost shocking but I thought you would again. When you wouldn't reply I cried myself to sleep at night wondering how I could become so infatuated with such a conniving self-centered bastard. You make me sick with love, not necessarily lust, but also with disgust anger and pain.

secrets

All these secrets they drown me
Confound me
Surround me
I don't know what to do
What to say
How to act
I don't know what you know
What you hide behind my back

the confusion of clarity

all these feelings are overwhelming me
its as i was blind up until now
the vibrant greens; the blue and purple mist
how could i have missed this so many times before?
the contrast of the music thudding, pounding in my ears
and the metal between my lips, my lips;
my jaw clenching lightly
is nonexistant
is this sensation real?
how am i feeling this without the
help or assistance of things that have helped me before?
but now i awaken to reality
the screaming; terrible, angry, violent
it interrupts everything
by the time its ended im looking at flat scenery
not incredible like before;
not breathtaking like before.


i feel crazy; i feel like a crazy person. i cant untangle how i feel right now. her voice is whiny; it annoys me. this beauty surrounds me; its so clear. the clarity is unreal. im at a loss; a loss for what? im trying to find the exit to this maze; whats happening to me? this music, these sounds. lyrics, trees, nostalgia. i cant make sense of this. tires squeel. my spelling is off. thudding thudding. its caving in on me. i cant hear you i cant hear you i cant hear you. is this my life? where are they? the clouds arent real. they couldnt be. how could any of this? where why how who when. giant crosses in the sky. this is all so incomplete. whats eminem saying? i cant get this feeling back im scratching reaching climbing where is it going i need it back its flying soaring away come back come back! please i need you. now we're gliding back to the mainstream; the mainstreets. is this the same feeling or an impersonation? i cant find words i cant find my voice i cant i cant i cant i cant I CANT and now you're yelling so loud. the batterys dying dying dead dead DEAD. number on trees. numbers on these. my body is stiff; sore. overusing words. numbing, aching, throbbing. im overdressed; underdressed. is this what you expected?

Like dragons

Building stands tall, red metal monster, waiting
columns on either side of the glass, like dragons.

A sign says 'restrooms' herds you. The low ceiling,
the short maze of shiny black stalls. Leave the

almost burned-out fluorescent of/from the mirror
and begin a new escapade. Stifle your giggles

as you enter, its curved corridor a colorful mural.
Take a seat on the miniature sofa, uncomfortable

and foreign, it refuses to envelop. In front of you
the short table and chairs. The microscopic holes

in the tiles, like pinpricks made by a thousand tiny
hands. The fire extinguishers protrude, upside-down,

peeking out from their burrows. Outside the police and
the homeless, the sounds disappear as you drift. A

strip of metal runs beside evenly spaced trees and
mailboxes. Grates behind a giant rusted vent, leaves

caught in between like letters never sent. Seven
cement apostrophes lined up to grammar your eyes,

disrupt your line of vision. Arches overlap one
another, a sea of concrete and pink paint.

boo-nanza

real haunted stars
beyond the nightmare
bulldozing tucson
harsh gangster with trends
needs
raw street awakening
filling in
assignment scream
bigger music and magnificent house pictures
unconventional superbug eats skinny
american children
on an unpredictable spaceship treadmill
love wrath


UPDATED

real haunted stars
beyond the nightmare
(bulldozing tucson)
harsh gangster with trends
needs
raw street awakening
filling in
assignment scream
bigger music and magnificent house pictures
unconventional superbug eats
skinny american children
love wrath

friendship

ive begun to realise the title "friend" is only a meaningless facade for people to get what they want. im beginning to view friendships and relationships in general as more of business negotatiations than anything meaningful. some are ruthless and conniving; stealing, lying, cheating to get what they want, while others are equal; each persons needs being met. while some are lucky enough to find the latter, most have to settle for the first or have none at all.

is it even possible to achieve?
or is the title "friend"
just another facade
aimed at getting what you want?
i don't know what it feels like
to have a relationship
without the soul purpose
to use or be used